Better late than never? A lot has changed in our lives. My super sweet husb is in graduate school and we moved halfway across the country. I had this idea in my mind that moving away from a town where my church is predominantly running the town....and my church has a frequency of having LOTS of children, my frustrations with feeling alone would change. Wrong. Here's a for example: tonight we were invited to a BBQ. 4 couples, wives in one talking group, boys in another. Now the boys are all going to the same school, studying the same things. Commonality. The girls also have a commonality: they're moms. Well...all but me. So, I spent the entire 3 hours in silence because I have found that when I make comments on motherhood I am told "well, when you actually are a mom you will think differently". Which may be true, but also a huge blow to my self-esteem. Or I am told that I "don't know about motherhood", another blow to my self-esteem. I find it easier to just remain silent. I have no experience with breast-feeding, potty-training, the best diapers, etc. I'm not sure quite what I should do under these circumstances. Is silence the best idea? It was super awkward... but maybe that was just me feeling awkward? i considered going and sitting with the guys, but I'm pretty sure that would have created an even bigger barrier between me and the moms.
i don't think it's the talking about children that's hard. It's more that i CAN'T talk about children.
sometimes i want to tell people the following:
- please don't tell me HOW to get pregnant. i'm pretty sure the people who can't have babies, know more about getting pregnant than the people who can have babies.
- please don't tell me i need to have faith. srsly? i know i need to have faith, but sometimes i want to throw my hands in the air and just yell, "am i not good enough for kids? will i be a terrible mom or something?!?!?!"
- please don't apologize for having children. be proud you can have them. and grateful.
- please don't complain CONSTANTLY about your kids. i didn't say don't complain. i said CONSTANTLY. sometimes i wonder if people even like their children. it's ok to be frustrated, irked, annoyed, etc. but do you even appreciate the fact that you can have kids?
- please don't tell me, "it will happen when you stop trying". actually it can never happen if i stop trying. i have physical limitations. if i don't try, it won't be.
i needed to vent. crying and eating ice cream is getting old.
