A year and a half

Better late than never? A lot has changed in our lives. My super sweet husb is in graduate school and we moved halfway across the country. I had this idea in my mind that moving away from a town where my church is predominantly running the town....and my church has a frequency of having LOTS of children, my frustrations with feeling alone would change. Wrong. Here's a for example: tonight we were invited to a BBQ. 4 couples, wives in one talking group, boys in another. Now the boys are all going to the same school, studying the same things. Commonality. The girls also have a commonality: they're moms. Well...all but me. So, I spent the entire 3 hours in silence because I have found that when I make comments on motherhood I am told "well, when you actually are a mom you will think differently". Which may be true, but also a huge blow to my self-esteem. Or I am told that I "don't know about motherhood", another blow to my self-esteem. I find it easier to just remain silent. I have no experience with breast-feeding, potty-training, the best diapers, etc. I'm not sure quite what I should do under these circumstances. Is silence the best idea? It was super awkward... but maybe that was just me feeling awkward? i considered going and sitting with the guys, but I'm pretty sure that would have created an even bigger barrier between me and the moms.

i don't think it's the talking about children that's hard. It's more that i CAN'T talk about children.

sometimes i want to tell people the following:

• please don't tell me HOW to get pregnant.   i'm pretty sure the people who can't have babies, know more about getting pregnant than the people who can have babies.
• please don't tell me i need to have faith.  srsly?  i know i need to have faith, but sometimes i want to throw my hands in the air and just yell, "am i not good enough for kids?  will i be a terrible mom or something?!?!?!"
• please don't apologize for having children.  be proud you can have them.  and grateful.
• please don't complain CONSTANTLY about your kids.  i didn't say don't complain.  i said CONSTANTLY.  sometimes i wonder if people even like their children.  it's ok to be frustrated, irked, annoyed, etc.  but do you even appreciate the fact that you can have kids?
• please don't tell me, "it will happen when you stop trying".  actually it can never happen if i stop trying.  i have physical limitations.  if i don't try, it won't be.

i needed to vent.  crying and eating ice cream is getting old.

can't have your cake & eat it too!

i'm not sure what bugs me more: A) people telling me they're pregnant or B) people not telling me they're pregnant. HAHAHA! but seriously. what is wrong with me? I get mad when i hear someone is pregnant, but then i think some people don't tell me in fear for me feeling bad so they don't tell me... no one can win!!!

i found out via facebook my cousin was pregnant. (((grrr))) now my family is VERY close. like we all live within a few miles of each other, went to the same high school, church, etc. CLOSE. now she's not just barely pregnant. she found out the sex of the baby! i guess i was just hurt she didn't tell me herself... but i REALLY think she fears for my feelings. which, is completely sweet and considerate and nice and etc. and etc.

wouldn't life be easier for all around me if i could just have a child?! ahhahaha. my friend amy is also struggling with infertility. she got a dog. i think i need one too. too bad my apartment doesn't allow pets. 1 more year. i keep telling myself 1 more year.

my poor husband. not only is he struggling with the deisre to have a baby & it not work, but he has the responsibility to keep me from falling to pieces. maybe he should have a blog: marriedtoacrazywomanwhoblogsaboutinfertilityandthencrysallthetime.blogspot.com

just checked. the blog name IS available.

yesssss.

humility

went to church today. had a lesson on patience.

was given this to read: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

bearing hardship with fortitude.
active waiting and enduring.
enduring well.

i needed that.

anonymity

talked to my friend *alice* today. good talk. she tried for babies for 4 years. i've been trying for 2. can't complain right?! she now has a beautiful 2 year old who is fabulously fabulous. <3 she made me feel better. life could be worse. always. i at least have hope right now. some people don't even feel that anymore. i'm still thinking the united nations of a family idea is rocking my world... now we just need some money to adopt a few chubby babies! ORRRR some money to be on fertility meds. (which sounds crazy.... *alice* said her fertility medicine made her crazy) i've also played with the thought that maybe i'll be the next octomom & have all my chillins in one shot.... ok never think that again. that would be... it would be... well life changing. i'd love it. some days i can guarantee i'd hate it. but i would love it.

side note: i have a really amazing husband. he'll make a really amazing father. like truly truly amazing. i have been told by many people that he's better with their children than their own husbands (sad for my friends, happy for me)

*name has been changed to keep anonymity*

jealousy

being jealous of someone is not very becoming. sadly, i suffer from this unattractive trait. last night i found out this super crazy girl from my church is prego AGAIN. hmmm. is it bad to wonder why her and not me? i feel this way almost everytime i find out someone's pregnant. it's ridiculous actually. i think maybe not getting pregnant is my punishment for being so jealous! hahaha! goal #1: work on jealousy factor.

outlet

you know the feeling: wanting something soooo badly, but it's 100% out of your reach and control? i do. i want kids.

i think i'm the only one of my friends who doesn't have children. it sucks.

i'm starting a blog. now instead of crying by myself and eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream, i'm going to blog my experience of being "lessthanfertilemyrtle".

<3